Hammer Mime?

Well, since you asked....

• If that was the real M.C. Hammer on stage last Thursday night, I don't know what concert I was attending. How could my girl Ashley, twelve more friends, and anyone else within earshot unanimously agree that he bailed? I watched gyrating dancers freestyle one of his songs, while listening to a voice track, and I was sober. Yet others (although alcohol-influenced) tell me he was spotted. An urban myth in the making? Either I'm right or we had sight angles at the stage worse than a scalene triangle. See postscript below.
• Congratulations, American Idol fans. You just voted in the worst winner in the show's history in Taylor Hicks. I have nothing against him personally, but consider that his personality, that herky-jerky delivery, and his trademark moptop do not convey over the airwaves. Instead, your new champ will deliver another rousing rendition of the blues, which you snoozed through before he got famous. His limited vocal range will wear thin as the Billboard charts, last time I checked, were not riddled with anything resembling the "Soul Patrol." Call me a homer, but I think you know who should have won.
• I presented a story idea to the Charlotte.com staff to simply write about whom I think are the five hottest female bartenders in Charlotte. It's a simple strategy, really: Pictures will be mandatory as I sell out to a page-click ratings smash. What do you think? Post a reply below or email me.
• More Speed Street: Reader email expressed some disappointing behavior by bounce staff at the area's greater clubs, and a close friend of mine actually complained of the predictable traffic inconvenience and the appalling concept that a beer was five bucks. Rather than whine, I say: Get in line. Capacity crowds...a free event...you'd think they were crotchety old folks waxing nostalgic about the good ol' days. Take a chill pill and hug it out; would you rather we return to the ghost town?
• Climbing the ranks for best bar, pound for pound, in the city (proven tenure a plus)? Jackalope Jack's in the Elizabeth area. Cozy amenities like private booths and the torch-lit front deck, shuffleboard, billiards, karaoke, and an appreciation for casual attire (I once wore a swimsuit in there) merits little adverse criticism.
• Press releases: Fourth annual Y'allternative Rockfest Friday & Saturday, June 2nd & 3rd in the parking lot between Amos' Southend and The Gin Mill, two day pass for $15 (www.etix.com) or $10 at the door. Twelve band set includes Shadowflag and DMB cover band Two Step. Hard to beat the price... Info: meckdeckproductions@hotmail.com.
• 5th Annual 1st Ward Summer Kickoff Party Saturday, June 3 from 4-11 at Tivoli, 770 N. Davidson. $20 provides food, beverage & entertainment (DJ JD). Proceeds to benefit Kids First of the Carolinas.

Reach Bryan, who reports the M.C. Hammer Houdini act under confident observation, but stands ready for the abuse with some solid photography. He'll post a retraction next week, if necessary, with the reliable evidence. Join his Myspace friends list!